I've memorized the door

Every curve of an indent

Every carving of the wood

I know where you'll get a splinter if you slide your finger across it

I know the creak of the hinges

I know how that dust collects on its pane 

How it needs to be wiped down every other week

I know the key lies in a drawer

Underneath a pile of socks

In a sealed envelope

Folded twice in half

 

 

I haven't walked through that door in over a year

But I can still hear the whispers from underneath it

Why are there still whispers?

Forgive me if I start to stare 

When I see shadows of feet pitter pattering on the other side

I used to love being next door

I used to love the way I felt when I was on the opposite side of this door

If the door was jammed on my way in, I'd thrust it open

I didn't know that the door wasn't stuck

I didn't know that you were pushing on the other side

I thought I was welcomed in

That room's sparkling windows must have blinded my mind

I must have been swept away by the charming art on the walls

I must have envisioned that the mat said welcome and that it wasn't just a place to wipe my feet as to not soil the immaculate room

To scrape away at me

I really thought it was just a welcome mat

How did I not notice it's rough surface?

It's sharp fabric?

It wasn't a smooth carpet it was a floorboard with jagged nails towering up

Those windows weren't sparkling because they were amused with me

They were just scrubbed clean every time I was gone

In fear that a part of me would stay behind

The room didn't open its arms to my presence, it just opened the door to let in some fresh air and in I walked

Drinking from the mug of delicious hot cocoa from the dining room table

The mug that clearly wasn't meant for me

And I'm glad I left the room

I'm glad I walked into the room next door by mistake

 

I don't love you

I couldn't

I can't even like you

But sometimes I wonder 

I can't stand to be in the same room

But I'm drawn closer

I walk away 

But the distance is fading

Every once and while

I'll catch a glance 

By accident 

Not on purpose

I don't want to

 

 

And the doors that I shut start to tremble 

Weakness slides through the key hole

There aren't enough locks to keep it in

Unresolved angst

Lust 

Anger

Words unspoken 

Can't turn back 

The door slams open

I push the door closed 

I'm happy now

I'm happy now

I'm happy now

And I am

I was unhappy then

My desire to change the past

Clouds my present 

It's hard to ignore 

It's hard to avoid

It's everywhere

Creeping from underneath the door 

I'm in a different room

A nice room

A wonderful room

A room I would be thrilled to never leave

A room where I feel comfortable

A room where I'm at peace

A room where I feel safe

A room where I feel loved 

A room where I can be my self 

A room where there is no judgement

A room where I can speak freely

A room where I'm wanted

I don't want to go back to the place I was before

But it creeps under the door

It drifts in

It breaks in 

It crashes through 

I don't want you 

Not anymore 

Please stay on the other side of this door 

Next door is perfect

But what is beautiful furniture that can't be sat on

For fear it might loose it's luster 

Let me enjoy my room 

With it's pretty walls

It's my favorite room 

 

 

I hope that someone wonderful drinks from that mug next

I hope the cocoa is made with milk and not water

And I hope that the milk in the cocoa isn't spoiled 

And I hope that there are little marshmallows in it

I hope that its made with real chocolate and not a powdered package

And I hope that whoever drinks from it appreciates its flavor

Because I'm happier in this new room

Where the cocoa is made fresh when I arrive

And the chairs have little dents where I've sat before

And best of all I don't need the mat at his door to say welcome 

I can see it in his smile

And I can feel it as he holds me close in his arms 

Like I could never be in yours