doesn't work like that
since the age of 14
i was uncofortable to touch
to feeling foreign feelings
unexplainable,
happiness unlike the type i felt for clouds
or birthdays or painting
the feeling of butterflies taring holes in my skin
never came natural.
sure, first kisses were easy
when hard rock and hard liquer were involved
but a mind that seemed so fearless when clouded
acted like a brick wall during sobriety
gradually chisled to dust for god knows how long
before anyone could come close.
age 14, i was awarded the name
"prude."
i had a boyfriend whod been with me for 3 weeks
never had my lips touched his
not that i had any current intention to
but news spread that my lips wouldnt
and suddenly i was scuffed;
who would kiss a girl who couldnt kiss back?
when he sat near my my skin crawled
i couldnt breath
the midnight air was heavy and cold
but warmth meant close
and close was not my thing.
prude.
age 15 and something is wrong with me
i just know it
i tell friends
they ask
"were you ever taken advantege of?" "have you ever been hurt?" "are you surpressing memmories?
no, no, jesus who knows
i rack my brain for hours a night and cant find an answer
to why i pull away.
16 and i was awarded the word "virgin"
news spread that my legs wouldnt
followed by suprised replies
"really?" "how?" "like, what kind"
an abnormal lack of sexual appitite separated me
didnt quite fit with my hair or my clothes