The Distortion in My Own Self
Dear Dad,
It doesn’t matter how you tell me
It doesn’t matter what you tell me
It doesn’t matter how much you tell me
My mind,
just doesn’t work that way
So even though you’ll never understand
And you think I’m not trying hard enough
I, at least, have to explain
Why your words, at times, fail to reach me
Why I can’t just do what you ask
When you ask me,
Why can’t you just think positively?
The reason?
Because,
my distorted self won’t let me
You can’t hear it
You can’t see it
But I can hear it
I can see it
It feeds off of my anger
It feeds off of my sadness
It feeds off of my failures
It tells me I’m useless
It tells me I’m worthless
It tells me I’m a failure
Nobody wants me
Nobody needs me
...
It can lay dormant for weeks
...
Then,
It comes unexpectedly
And,
It comes with a vengeance
It punishes me,
For thinking that I am of value
For thinking that I am of worth
For thinking that I am deserving
...
It will always be there
And,
It’s a struggle that I have to endure
Like I said before,
There are weeks when I win
But,
There are days when I lose
And,
It’s on those days
When I lose the battle
That I need someone to comfort me the most
When my distorted self comes to torture me
When it “reminds me” that,
My flaws are significant
My compassion is a sign of weakness
My failures are a sign of my worthlessness
I don’t need someone to tell me,
Just think positively
I need someone to simply remind me,
You are loved
You are worthy
You are strong
You are beautiful
You are needed
Those words,
Are all I need from you
With love,
Your daughter