You are too late

I am sorry

Didn't make it

Not good enough

Wrong

No

Fail

 

You know these words, yet you hate to hear them

You would rather spend your whole life without your ears ever toughing such criticism

But I have heard it

I have heard it time and time again

no such experience is the same but none easier

The feeling of inadequate and worthless fills your insides

No longer does the stomach contain the tumbling of butterflies

for that has been replaced with heavy stones of insecurity

Who could have imagined such a love destroyed by such games

I never saw it coming nor knew such a feeling existed

until I stopped playing

never knowing the end had come

 

The movements are engrained into my soul

even in my sleep I can feel my arm coming back

then the flip of a trigger and it is released

After so many games and practices, I guess you forget

about the turning of your shoulders or the use of two hands

You forget that you had to use a circular tube to be able to make contact

Though with as many heartbeats spent on this game, I should have remembered

 

It hasn't been easy

ever since the stage got bigger

the crowd growing louder

The decision was all mine for I knew I could compete

but what awaited at the end would never give me fulfillment

 

For only a heart so strong can only take so much

After enough let-downs and shames

the gold around the stage begins to tarnish

trophies become novelty

It was always your time will come or maybe next time

Just work a little bit harder

But I could not

I have given my all

Not only pushing myself with them but on my own time

Constantly training

Drill after drill

Bruised knee after cleated hand

But it was discarded like moldy cheese

Only I was present by appearance rather than stench

 

I remind myself that I wanted to be here

So many seasons spent for this time

But who knew that the moment of big breaks would turn into sorrowful realization

Those alienated words grind my spirit more and more until it became subdued

I question where everything fell apart

Was it that strike out

passed ball

the missed throw

the dropped catch

Or was this all just part of the game

A game of love morphed into sorrows and plagued by constant let-downs

 

Now that it is over my insides ooze with worthlessness

It tries to seep into my thoughts

Sometimes there is a crack and even my unconsciousness can't escape its effects

My mother fears this will cause impending problems later on

but she is wrong

for every hour I am encountered with its hideous appearance

my thoughts my actions waiting to hear those atrocious words

 

Fail

No

Wrong

Not good enough

Didn't make it

I am sorry

You are too late