The Diary of Jane

If you split me open, you will find the toxic secrets
That were shoved down my throat
Went down burning like whiskey
Dirty, dingy, brown colored secrets
Went down one by one.
Never getting any easier to swallow
But I had promised her, not to vomit
Promised
To forever harvest them in my gut
And that I wouldn’t let this survivor’s guilt get to me
Some swallows were more bitter than others
But I remember the ones that tasted the most foul.

They were molecularly made
Of hands that crept in between crevices
Where they shouldn’t have been
Plunging deeper into hidden abysses
That were supposed to be protected by a shield of negative words like
No. Not now. Never.
But it was smashed into pieces by
Knife-nailed fingers that just wouldn’t
Stop.
Dancing.
Despite the rhythm of the music
The lyrics meant absolutely nothing to them
They stealthy slid beneath her hem.
Even as hymns
Were playing in the background
Stripped her of her innocence
Along with her clothing
Abstinence was just an essence
A scent eluding from her skin
Seeping from her pours
But I guess, it just wasn’t strong enough for him to
Smell it.

If you split
Her open you will find a
Punctured layer of skin
Where some things were never meant to fit in the
Perfect circles they were shoved
Into. It burned her
Like the whiskey flavored secrets
Now making their way into my bloodstream
Trying to forget her silent screams that I can hear so
Clearly in my head.

Got to drown them out with hymns
Not hims.
H.I.M.
But the Holy ones.
The Wholly ones.
Lacking the lyrics about situations like this.
Where singing that He is a Mighty Fortress
Just doesn’t seem to keep the enemies out
Out of her dreams
So she turns to sip sweet whiskey so nothing can
Burn her anymore because
She’ll be to numb.

If you split her open
No need to split her open
She does that on her own now.
The red drippings
Of liquid from her wrist the only reminders
That she has that she’s still alive
Please
Don’t split us open
Anymore
This reliving is killing the both of us
So let us die
In peace
Let us grow old and carry this to our graves
So we can have an eternity of silence
Some secrets were just
Never meant to be told.