Wanting to explode is an understatment.

No matter the countless attempts to change the way I feel,

this torment of despair  continues, relentlessly.

Will cutting oneself be the solution? What if I violently head 

butt the walls, or hit myself with a hammer, surely that will release

the pain?

Please give me a way to distract myself from this huge internal

angst I feel second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.

Thinking about a day ahead is full of dread.

I used to wake up full of hope for what lay before me.

  As the clocked

ticked by my optimism was replaced with constant out-pourings

of my negative self talk. 

I truly hate myself. 

Yet rationally I attempt to challenge this warped outlook.

The balance of 

which seems to favour insanity of normality, depression over 

happiness, isolation over socialising. What hope do I have?

This dark cloud has been hanging over for me for an eternity, 

thurst upon me like a bolt from the dark sky.

It has been my companion all my life. It has become

my default mechanism. 

I've become acquainted with zoning out, switching off and

not facing my reality. 

I've settled down with the inner workings of my mind, lost in 

the maze, forever searching for an exit. I see the stages of 

my life pass me by like a being a pedestrain watching

a stage coach on the highway. Frustratingly I see my close

friends and family swiftly move on with others, after a 

previous relationship ends. I ask myself how is it not possible

I can develop this skill, this ability to move on?

I feel I can do nothing to stop this dire journey that has become

my best friend, my soul mate, my life partner.