When people see me they see

A beautiful, black woman

They have no idea what my story is

They don't know the pain in my smile

They don't know the tiredness in my eyes

They just see what I allow them to see

Strength

Happiness

Perfection

But I am not strong

I am not happy 

And I am not perfect

I have this constant struggle with my insecurities

My nose is too big and my eyes too narrow

I'm not the most outgoing person

I do whatever it takes to fit in

They do not see the battles I've overcome

Not having much as a child 

The neglect I felt from my father even though he was always there

No one knows the fear that I have

The fear of death

Not of myself, but of loved ones

My family and friends are embedded in my heart

Without them I am nothing

Without God I am nothing

I am nothing

I am empty

I do not feel anything anymore

Things that once made me happy or sad

Now make me numb

Everything that I've been through has made me

Cold

Heartless

Cynical

Sarcastic

I am not a beautiful, black woman

I am ugly

I do not deserve what I have 

I do not deserve the people I have in my life

I am selfish

I only want what's best for me

I am not the girl everyone thinks I am

I hide behind this mask 

I fear rejection

I crave acceptance

That's why I pretend

To be this beautiful, black woman

Strong

Happy

Perfect

But I am not