Depression

Tue, 07/23/2013 - 19:17 -- aconley

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I lie awake every night with thoughts running through my head.

The thoughts so deep even I don't understand them.

 Each day is a battle for me.

 I'm constantly trying to fight the person I am now, only to become the person I want to be.

I cry daily because I cant explain to you what I feel like.

What goes on inside my head.What happens when my mind take control of my body.

I cry because I cant explain to you why I do the things I do.

Why these urges consume me.

Why I am the way I am.

I cry because I don't know the answers to these questions...to these impulses...to myself. 

I try so hard to put on a happy face and act like everything is OK, but its not.

Its not ok that I feel like this.

That I feel the need to explain myself.

That I cry because I don't understand myself. That others don't understand me.

Its not ok that I'm pushing everyone away only because I fear rejection.

Its not ok that I'm losing everyone because I cant find myself. 

If only I knew how to be the person I once was, then everything would be ok.

Sadly right now that person is lost in a land unknown to herself.

A land she is trying so hard to escape from. 

I'm trying so hard to bring myself back to reality, but by doing so, I'm losing everything that means the world to me. 

I've learned in life that nothing is fair, and the more I try to fight that, the deeper I go into depression.

 I just wish someone understood how I felt, then maybe life would make a lot more sense.

 

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