If I can only write once, this is what I'd say from deep within...
The Pain within draws me into an abyss to deep for me to pull myself out of.
I'm craving the attention of a man who was supposed to be there for me as I make my way through this strange land.
It is not that he doesn't know I exist, it is that he does and yet still doesn't give two cents.
I'm trying to be a peace and trying to realize that I'm right where God wants me to be but, yet I feel in my own heart I'm far from where I ought to be.
Where is it that I ought to be you ask? I'll tell you. I ought to be singing happy to be me, instead of covering the wounds of a broken voice.
I ought to be at the top of my game instead of making my way to where I thought I should have been years ago.
I ought to be happy, I ought to be forgiving but I feel that it just isn't in me.
I'm facing the facts that I'm not where I feel I ought to be because I'm not where I think I'm supposed to be but, exactly where God wants me.
God put me where I'm at to learn from my mistakes, to grow to be a better human being than the one who created me. Physically that is.
Spiritually I'm am exactly who God created me to be, that person who doesn't judge, who speaks their own mind time after time.
The person who although has a pain so deep inside can still make a smile on the outside that makes the world think that I'm 100% Happy.
It isn't for you to judge but, I judge myself when I say I can't forgive the man who makes that fake outside a horrible inside.
I can't forgive the abandonment, the disrespect, the unanswered questions I constantly ask.
I can't forgive that out of all the children he has I'm the one who unfavorable.
I can't forgive that he refuses to accept me as part of his family, what makes me wonder what is his legacy to me?
What am I supposed to pass on to my children from him other than the simplicity of DNA?
What am I supposed to say when they ask "Where's Your Father Mother?"
Should I lie to them to keep my on feelings under wraps or should I tell them the truth and make it so that they'd never want to see you.
Am I wrong for agreeing with the second thought, of telling them the truth and keeping them away from someone who never even held my hand.
I feel that this is it, all that I could say if I could only get his attention to listen to me.
To understand what I am feeling inside, I'm laying it all out on the line.