My emotions cannot be subsided 

For they frolic through the fields

Disturbing the spirited gardens 

And destroying the barriers,

Blocking the raging rivers. 

 

My heart knows its pain

Yet blood still leaks from every wound formed by their words. 

 

I see them, the words, being replayed throughout my brain:

Stabbing my skull as the they ricochet within the void of my memories.

 

But somehow still

I reminisce in the memories of the people I hate. 

Because they were there when I had passion for life itself.

 

But now, I am shackled in chains 

Imprisoning me for owing an eternal debt: 

Of being transgender.

 

I have been able to primarily accept this fact

Though, I still often hate the way my body feels 

The way the world perceives myself

And the way my steps are taken as if they are in the shadow of a women 

 

Im also always left staring down and seeing a different person than who I truly am

Looking at my smile 

That sweet, fake smile 

And remembering that I must keep this smile with me 

After all, the world is collapsing

And I’m an unimportant factor of life

And my problems must be pushed towards the back of my mind.

 

While I know this

While I know I must ignore 

I still hear her

Her words whispering in my ear 

Never wanting to be heard,

Yet always being said 

Telling me what I truly am 

And continuing the cycle I fight 

everyday

 

And trust me 

I have tried 

Tried battling the women possessing me 

But she always takes what I can’t  have

And wins this sword fight every time 

Leaving me to the ground with blood and all 

And leaving me with a message 

A message letting me know I can never be me

 

She’ll see me beneath her after our battle

And look me up and down   

And see the searing fear prominently displayed upon my face.

 

But though I’m afraid

I see that light that gleams from her

That everlasting light burning through her retinas

That calls my attention like nothing seen before

 

Her eyes, continue to stare deep down into my inner soul 

This feeling of awe overtakes me

And this light reflecting from her body 

Was as mesmerizing as was her eyes

 

Her angelic presence radiating from across the globe 

Caused this scared expression to be whipped away from my face 

This light, my only hope 

This women of death, my only desire 

And death, my new found fortune. 

 

But as god worthy as her presence was;

I could’ve swore I heard her voice

 

It was as if she was speaking to me

Whispering to me

Death was calling 

Death was calling as her beauty stares down.

 

But as I looked her up and down

This feared concept she used to be

Is now viewed as a path of beauty 

After all, how could something so beautiful 

So freeing 

Be something so destructive?

I no longer am scared of the inevitable end 

Because as she calls my name 

I soon seek to pleasantly reply