Dear Sperm Donor…

I'm not trying to be mean. But why are you contacting me? You never care about my well-being why do you care now? If it's sad that I feel that way maybe you should look in the mirror because it's your fault I feel that way and sure. You can't love someone you left high and dry not only that you don't know nothing about me I know more about Dre then I know about you so loving me unconditionally sorry that's what my mother has done not you. Don't play dumb you know how it's your fault you weren’t in my life... What makes you think it's not your fault? Yeah play that role when have reached out to me.... You talk to my momma not me... The only thing I shut down was your lies Andre Jason Miller please don't say things like I'm dumb I'm very intelligent with a great memory (I'll be 18 next month so I'm talk to you on a real level because I'm not going to sugar coat anything now I'm not going to disrespect you even though I don't respect you because you are an adult and my mother will bust my mouth if I disrespect my elders) but please talk to me like I am a young adult and lets be real. You lying now you done promise me things and you have had other child but I bet you were in there life but let’s be real I want to court with my momma when I was 6 you knew I was your child so whatever Andre don't play this role I say I remember everything I have participate in... My mother have never downgraded you ever she always told me that's your father and I told her no because you never was in a life and yeah you were young and my mom was to but she didn't abandon me she did everything she could for me to raise me and for you to sit here and come for my mother is very disrespectful because she's the only here struggling and all she's not perfect but at least she own up for her faults and her responsibilities please do me a favor and get my name cover you don't deserve to have someone like me the only thing I’m thankful for is your genes because I am gorgeous other than that I can't stand you I don't hate you I just dislike you a lot in my eyes your ah dead beat and ah sperm donor that's it that all I can never understand a man or a woman who gives up their child but that's shows how much you care instead admitting your faults you going back and forward trying to exposing how it isn't your fault instead of saying I'm sorry please do me a favor and get my name cover up your ah coward ass a man. I could say I hate you, but I don't hate you at all. To be honest I feel bad for you. I realize you became the man you are because how you were raised. Your “so hard” masculinity blinded your eyes to see me as your daughter, your first born. Yeah right, who am I to excuse you for your absence because your parents did not deconstruct the binary of masculinity. I think you should reevaluate yourself. In my gender studies class, we watch this documentary “The mask you live in” and it illustrates how Boys and young men struggle to stay true to themselves while negotiating America's narrow definition of masculinity and being that you were 14-16 at the time I became a fetus, I believe this applies to you. I don't know if your brain still operates the same as then but considering that you still haven't put effort into being in my life I guess the idiot in your brain remains. The documentary tells us that men are afraid to express their emotions and how these men feel the need to demonstrate their masculinity to be men enough to other men. So, I guess since your father wasn’t there for you, you had to do the same to me. It is your fault that I didn’t know the difference from what's right and wrong for man to do. Momma always told me, but my societal constructed mind always said, “she's a woman, what do she know?” I looked in the eyes of a predator but not like you knew because you were never here, I realize my worth at this moment when I was looked over when I spoke up. My intersectionalities were there but I didn't know the meaning of this word. I knew that I was looked down upon because I was black but then I remember I am also a woman, LINKED OPPRESSION! My intersectionalities were being a black woman living in low income with a single mother facing depression. I begin to try to find love in a guy because you never loved me. My mother is the most loving and caring person ever but that wasn't enough for me, I needed you to teach your little girl the lesson that her mother couldn't.  Black women have long recognized the special circumstances of our lives in the Unites States: the commonalities that we share with all women, as well as the bonds that connect us to the men of our race. stated that, “As women, we have been taught to either ignore our differences or to view them as causes for separation and suspicion rather than as forces change.” When I read this, I realized my roles in this society. I compare myself to women so much realizing my difference I recognize how much my community was different from me and it was clearly because I was the black sheep. When I was younger, I was bullied in grammar school because I had no edges or as the children say, “bald head”. It cut deep inside me because everywhere I went I was an outcast. I didn’t fit in anywhere and me being the only child without a father made me feel worst because it seems as if I was always standing in the dark. I felt that I was unwanted and perhaps this stem from the absence of the other half of my existence. It has always been my mother and me. I had gotten use to empty promises. Even though my mother was there, I still felt unwanted and unneeded. I felt I was a mistake in the world because it seems, as no one liked me. Being an outcast constructed when it became transparent that I was the other. Not only was I the other at school, I was the other with my family. If you were the father, you were supposed to be, I wouldn’t be still trying to void this pain at 20 years old.