Dear Rapist/First Love
We met back in 9th grade
It seemed like we were the perfect match
You made me feel things I haven't felt before
We're both Capricorns
We have the same birthday
We had so much in common
You understood me like no other
You did everything in your power to make me feel special
Everything in your power to make me feel protected
Then you all of a sudden cheated and left me for another girl
To this day the thought of that makes me hurl
We were off and on until the end of Junior year
As much as we wanted to be together
We didn't work
You were the oil
I was the water
We wanted to love each other
Or maybe we just wanted to have sex
Maybe our attraction was just too strong to leave each other be
Second semester of our Junior year, April 18th
Was the day my life changed forever
We finally had our day
To finally get what we wanted in the first place
I changed my mind
You weren't gentle
You weren't careful
My very first time.. you were brutal
"Stop, stop, stop, that hurts! I don't want this!" I screamed
I was fighting back
Screaming
Crying
Having a panic attack
Hoping that you would stop
Then you said "Nah, I'm not stopping you just have to get used to it."
My body froze
I was in complete bewilderment
Your grip got tighter as you started going harder
You said "Jae, I love you. Gimme kiss"
I was so disgusted
Love isn't supposed to feel like this
Love isn't forceful
Love isn't supposed to hurt like this
You pushed me into the wall so you didn't climax in me
As I could barely walk and was crying from the pain
You laughed
You didn't care
You got what you wanted and you bounced
If I knew this would happen I would've never let you into my heart
I would've never took you back every single time
I would've never apologized for things that wasn't my fault
I hated myself for so long
Almost 10 months later I'm still dealing with the baggage that comes with it
Extreme ptsd
Extreme depression
Extreme anxiety
Waking up out of my sleep from night terrors about you
Waking up to anxiety attacks
It's been so hard to love after that event
I don't even know who I hate more
Myself.... or you....
Dear Rapist/First Love
This is the damage that you have caused....