I almost told you the other day.

About 4 times to be exact.

It was on the tip of my tongue but for some reason, my teeth grit and pushed it back into my throat each and every time.

I finally swallowed it back to where it has remained for months and left the house.

The burden still present.

Oh mom, I almost told you on my way out.

I was closer than I ever have been before.

 

I was ready to get you to hate him just as much as I do.

I was ready to aid your understanding in how broken I truly was when he left and why.

I was ready to tell you what I had been through and why I really feel rejected.

 

But I was scared of the way you would look at me.

I was scared that you would not approve. 

I was scared that you would not side with me.

I was scared you would think less of me.

I was scared you would be worried about every guy I am friends with and suddenly become overprotective and overbearing.

 

I was worried you would not understand.

I was worried you would give me a lecture on what I should have done.

I was worried you would no longer see me as the strong woman that I am.

 

I almost told you the other day.

I truly almost told you

but I could not get it out of my throat.

I did not know how to tell you.

I still do not know how to tell you

that he forced me into things he knew I was not ready for.

He took my clothes off while also brushing off my complaints and annoyance towards him doing so.

What a great multitasker. I knew there was a reason I liked him.

He would try to calm me with coos of his love for me.

He would claim over and over, "just once,"

even though I did not want to even once.

I would tell him to stop but he would not. 

It was always one sided.

I would leave frustrated and disgusted.

The only thing I failed to do was physically push him away.

 

I really have not known how to tell you this.

Please do not think any less of me.

Please understand why I want nothing to do with him. 

I see him and I think of these times where his lust for me led to using my body in ways that he should not have against my word.

Then I think about how he cheated on me.

 

Please see him through my eyes.

I really, truly almost told you the other day.

Please do not look at me any different.

 

Your Daughter,

A