Dear Catdog in my brain,

 

You have cause me a lot of pain

You are obsessive-compulsive disorder

But in order to cope

I gave you a nickname

 

Catdog, you compress my lungs

Curling up and making home

Scratching and clawing

Right in the anatomy that allows me to breathe

 

Catdog you manifest yourself on my hands

Underneath my fingernails

On my skin

As germs that try to harm me

 

You appear on light switches

Stovetops

Hair dryers and straighteners

And in my head as the fear of fire

 

You make me afraid that I have done something

Terrible

Irreversible

Deadly

To people that I love

 

You make me relive moments

That most people see as insignificant

You are the Harry Potter time turner

Cursing me in a time cycle of fears

 

You puppy face is sweet and fluffy

Your kitten one cunning and limber

But both, Catdog,

Turn to lions and wolves

 

Your inner beast scavenges the food

That my happy brain

Normally lives on

I’m starving!

 

Starved of happiness and comfort

My brain it screeches and

Sets a trap

Catdog, you deem it a poacher

But my brain only tries to protect

 

You lie Catdog!

You tell me two things at once

And my brain can’t decide which is true

Or if either is at all…

 

You are the angel and devil

You are emotions and reason

Which is the angel and which is the devil

That is up to you to decide

But my brain can’t make up its mind

 

You are identical twins that change faces

You are the phantom of the opera with a hauntingly beautiful voice

With hidden one-sided horror

My inner Christine can’t help but to be lured in

 

But you are an animal!

You are scary!

You are weird!

You haunt me!

You are an impossible creature!

 

How can a creature be both a cat, and a dog?

How can my brain be both reasonable and insane?

 

You are both a slapstick comedy

And a haunting nightmare

 

You aren’t real

But when my brain can’t differentiate reality

I start to wonder if you could be

 

 

This is the cycle, Catdog.

I’m hoping one day you will release me.

 

 

Your Prisoner,

 

Savannah