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Dad 3
I used to always cry my tears
Sometimes I still do even throughout the years
It’s not new, you’ve done this so long
But if you thought I wouldn’t grow strong
You’re wronger than the opposite of right
I’ve lasted through every dark night
When there were monsters under my bed
None of them worse than the ones you put in my head
The ones the broke me down, just like you did
Pandora’s box lost its lid
But hope stayed in, and she grew strength
And she learned to keep you at arm’s length
Not to let you get close, because it would only hurt her
She chose to never trust you, not to love you, no sir
Because she learned how to see in polychrome
No more of the black, white, and red monochrome
But she is me, she has been for a couple of years
And I’ve hated you every time you’ve appeared
But I’ve written about the hatred, though it could fill many pages
I’m not here to talk about my darkest ages
I’m here to talk about the times you left me internally dying
And the one time you left me entirely, but I was never crying
I was happy, I wouldn’t have to see you, to smell you in the room
Happy I wouldn’t have to bury my emotions in a tomb
And I can finally express this, finally, I can speak
Even though I’m crying, shaking, and letting out silent screams
I feel so strongly the ways I do, that I can hardly contain it
But as I try, this is the best way I can explain it
I’ve hated you for so long since I figured out who you truly were
The worst person I know, you wouldn’t even care, would you Monsieur?
That’s when I stopped coming back when I finally figured it out
You would never return the love I used to have, that’s who you’re about
You expect someone to love you when you are just a hating, soulless, bag of dirt?
I sure as f--- don’t think so, not when you’d just leave them hurt
Speaking of hurt, have you ever felt it? The pain of “loving” someone
When they don’t deserve it, when you’re better, and you should be done
But instead, you’re told that you should love them, just because they’re family
But you’re not, family doesn’t hurt you like that, hurting you so happily
Maybe I’m just naive, to think that maybe I deserve some love from my father
Maybe I’m just stupid to think you were capable of such a thing, loving another
And I truly, hate to be such a bother, but could you please just decide?
Do you want to leave and go away, or do you want to be part of my life?
Will you ever make a f---ing effort, to know or love your only daughter?
You want me to be someone else, but I’m not, I’m the artist and the author
The one who could draw you a picture with pencils or with words
And that picture is of a dark, frozen heart who can’t love anyone
But some days, I wonder who’s it is, is it mine or yours? Cold and alone
Because when I think of you that all I feel
But you’d never, ever know, because I’ve learned how to conceal
The pain, the hurt, the hate, the years I’ve spent broken, putting myself together
Grabbing what I can, tape, blue, anything I can use to tether
What I am, I’m still working on a few pieces left, but they are coming back
But my empathy, something I have always had, is sometimes lack
Because for some reason, I can forgive everyone for hurting me except for you
Maybe it’s because of the severity, or maybe cuz it’s never something you never tried to undo
The hurt has been there so long, it’s developed into something darker
The deepest, darkest emotion there is, darker than the black of a sharpie marker
The true emotional representation of black
The one from which it’s so hard to come back
Especially for you, because you hurt me so God d--- f---ing bad
But can you tell me, please tell me, please, why dad?
(Image and poem credits to myself)