Coming to Acceptance

Dear First Love, 

 

I’d rather be anywhere but here,

Here where I sit,

Here where i wait,

If I could be anywhere

I would not want to be here.

 

I’d rather be on a plane,

Going where you can’t find me,

Crossing over oceans,

flying higher and higher

Away from this place.

 

I’d rather be anywhere but here,

I wish there was a way

For me to make it all just disappear,

I want to be anywhere but here.

 

I’d rather be in space,

Where the stars shimmer around me,

Where I see planets,

red, orange, and blue,

earth so small,

Yet i still don’t feel far enough away from you.

 

I’d rather be anywhere but here,

Yet here I am,

Trying to figure out

How to make it right again,

Because i’m never good enough for you,

So what’s the point?

 

I’d rather be driving away,

Getting way out of sight,

Speeding down the road

As if i’m flying,

Getting my ass out of this town,

And leaving the image of you,

As a fading view.

 

I’d rather be anywhere but here,

But you’re holding me close,

Making it so I don’t have a place to go,

It’s hard for me to sleep,

To breathe,

To eat,

I’d rather be getting away from you.

 

Silent,

That’s how you wanted me to stay,

As a background piece that didn’t have anything to say,

Someone that was clueless compared to you,

Someone who had emotions that you didn’t feel were enough.

 

Silent,

That’s how I stayed

Trying not to let the tears slip down my face,

I didn’t want to hear you say

How I was spending another day crying

“For no reason at all”

 

Silent,

That's all it was when I finally broke down

You were finally silent

You acted as if I was a nagging pain

that you didn't want to deal with anymore

 

Silent,

Was everyone when I said I couldn’t do it anymore

And by everyone I mean you

You could have cared less about what happened to me

As long as you had your weed

Why would you need me?

 

Silent,

While I was writing how I felt

Trying to get it all out,

You found it and forced me to quit,

Because the way I felt made you feel bad,

Saying I was just “over exaggerating”

 

Silent,

There I was trying to be okay

Without trying to make everyone look at me a different way

Trying to seem like I was doing fine

But I was dying on the inside.

 

Silent,

We used to have fun together,

We’d just mess around

You got angry with me

I fell to the ground

I know you apologized I know I said it was fine,

But the bruises that you left

Took weeks to fade away.

 

Silent,

They all looked at me

Asked me if I was okay,

And how could I say that it was taking everything in me to stay

So silent is how I stayed

 

Silent,

That's how I spent my life for far too long

Not wanting to bother anyone

But where did that get me?

digging my own grave.

 

Silent,

When you admitted it,

Locking your lips,

While you were high

You hit a new low

And wanted me to let it go.

 

Silent,

You called me ignorant,

Pathetic, ungrateful,

A cheater,

A bitch,

A fake,

A liar.

 

Silent,

Was how I was every time you yelled at me,

Because I deserved it,

Right?

 

Silent,

That’s how it was when my mother found all the letters that I wrote

When my father came up to me

Asking what on Earth I was thinking about

My brother

 asked why I didn’t ask for help

Because I had to stay silent to protect everyone else.

 

Silent,

You saw someone who you thought threatened you,

So you do what anyone would naturally do,

You send not one, not two but 46 messages,

Calling me a slut, an attention whore, and a waste of breathe.

 

Silent,

Were the demons in the bottle

That always seemed to wind up right next to me

That seemed to make it all go away

 

Silent,

“Are y’all dating?”

I mean no,

Well yes,

I mean

You said it’s complicated

Now I know that means you just loved keeping me on a leash.

 

Silent,

I was when I would see another girl’s name pop up on your phone

When you wouldn’t let me see what you’d be hiding

How all these rumors started to form

That made me look and feel like the idiot you knew I was.

 

Silent,

Were the tears that I shed every night

For months because you didn’t feel the need to treat me right

Where I felt like I wasn’t enough for you

So how the hell could I be enough for anyone else.

 

Silent,

For the last few moments,

I couldn’t take it anymore.

All I could do was scream

Until all that came out was silence.

 

Silent,

no,

You will never make me silent again.

 

Sixteen months ago,

Who was I?

I was a dreamer,

Who believed in happy endings.

 

I met you,

And God knows now,

That you screwed me over.

 

I don’t want to remember

If there were good times with you

If i could forget

Every moment spent by your side

I’d be the happiest girl alive.

 

You destroyed who I was,

You wanted in, breaking anything

that stood in your way

But when you had enough,

You made me believe

That no one else would love me the same.

 

That without you,

people would see me as worthless,

As you constantly made me feel.

 

You planted that seed in my head,

And watched it grow,

You enjoyed watching me wither

Right before your very eyes.

 

Did you care when I stopped taking care of myself?

Did you notice?

You saw the weight loss,

You complimented me,

Saying it’s the best i’ve ever looked,

And you never encouraged me to eat.

 

The scars that I made

On my wrists, thighs, and stomach,

slowly fade away,

But the hurt that you caused me

To feel inside overflowed,

Where I couldn’t stand

being in so much emotional pain

I distracted myself physically.

 

I wish I could physically hurt you,

In a way that you could feel the pain

That you put me through

 

I haven’t understood why you still cross my mind

You didn’t deserve my time

You didn’t deserve my innocence,

You don’t deserve my forgiveness

 

You forced me into a box,

I couldn’t breathe,

You sat on top

To make sure I stayed in “my rightful place”

 

You are still stuck in my head,

Whether I like it or not

You were the first.

My first boyfriend,

My first love,

My first.

 

But you are the past,

And this is the present,

And you were wrong.

 

I am not the person I was,

I’m not the person I thought I would be,

I have a brown eyed boy

Who says he’s in love with me.

 

I have found reasons to laugh,

reasons to smile, 

seeing that the world is more beautiful than I ever thought.

 

He has shown me how I should have been treated

that being shamed and insulted

is not what love is supposed to be.

 

I have changed,

I will never be the same,

I hate you,

but still I want to say thank you.

 

Sixteen months later,

And who am I?

A dreamer,

Who believes there are endings that make us happier.

 

 

With dearest regards,

The one you let get away

This poem is about: 
Me
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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