Better

"You seem like you're doing better,"
They say, with hesitation
-
On halfway-bad days I still feel it,
A screaming coal burning itself
Through the tissues of my lungs
-
"I'm definitely doing better,"
A comma hanging at the end of the thought
-
I dreamt that I slit my wrists again
That sheer, absolute need to escape
That clings onto my heart
-
And in the dead of night when I woke,
I convinced myself back to sleep-
Despite that white hot ember
Nestled in my ribcage
-
It's the kind of pain that's quiet
For as long as I keep moving
And my headphones keep playing
-
But here in the silence,
There it is
Gently, desperately, aching
-
For what?
-
I keep trying to inspect the wound
Finding what hurts should be simple,
But I search and search
Begging myself to feel
-
I'm so afraid
The numbness keeps me safe
It's the only shield against you that I have
-
I'm fighting my own instincts to be here
-
I'm fighting my body and my mind to keep you at bay
Every moment.
The exhaustion never really goes away,
Even with whatever counts as rest
-
If I let myself relax,
You bullet your way into my brain
And I'm back there again-
-
Theres nothing I can do to stop you
Dragging me across that dirty carpet,
Pinning my hands,
Crushing me beneath knees and elbows,
-
You fucking rape me every day.
-
I try to take a shower,
But your hands grab my ankles
I try to paint,
But I inhale cigarette smoke and plastic
Someone says the word "basement,"
And my head smacks into concrete
-
How can they not get it?
How am I supposed to be happy?
How am I supposed to care about anything
But this?
I'm bleeding out
While the world spins on its axis
-
And there you fucking are, raping me
Over and over again while everyone
Sleeps, and works, and plays
-
How can they expect me to do anything
-
But scream
-
And scream
-
And scream
-
Until you stop?

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741