This poem is about my baby brother who was born with brain damage. We were told he would only live a year or two. This is what I wrote about the situation- trying to sort it all out in my head. I wrote it for Ben, but of course; with the understanding he may never be able to read it- or understand it.

 

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Innocent, Beautiful

Better off dead?
These feelings I'm hiding

Are words left unsaid

You're here, but you're drifting

So much farther away

Benjamin Riley

Do I want you to stay?
Would you be better off

In God's paradise

His arms wrapping around you

Wouldn't that be nice?

Is this a selfish wish

So I can ignore the pain

Do we need to suffer

So that you will remain?
I wish I could know you

I wish I could believe

That you will get better

And not suddenly leave

Hopes raised, hurt

When they fall to the ground

I would cry if I knew you

But to denial I'm bound

I don't want to grow attached

To this dream we call - you

If you're just going to die

In a year or two

I can't let myself

Bend so close to breaking

I can barely stand

The pain this is making

I long for sense

That doesn't come

I pray for God

To give me some

Tomorrow always drags on

And never really appears

And every thought about you

Is clouded in doubts and fears

Are we fighting with lack of faith?

Should we risk our hearts to break

To love and hold you until

You, from us, God is to take?

Why does silence embrace

Every moment I wait for a reply?

Life breaks me down

Why?

I've never seen you

Face to face

I've never let my arms

Embrace

You - who may never ever get

A chance to read this poem-note

Full of fears, hopes and questions

Are you just a thought - remote?

Benjamin, I'm afraid to love you

I can't let my heart shatter

I'm hiding all these emotions

Because I don't want to see the matter

Accepting this is accepting pain

It hurts too much, which is why

I don't accept it, I much prefer

This horrible reality to deny

But it's there no matter what I do

Thoughts taunting me -of you

I do care

Life's not fair

I don't know what I want at all

But each day it's as if I fall

Deeper in pain

But you continue to remain

On my mind

And I can't find

A road to take

That might not end in mistake

In my mind God may take you

Or He may leave you here

Only He knows what is right to do

I just want this to be clear

Benjamin Riley

You're a miracle in disguise

I do not really know you

And I've never looked you in the eyes

I don't know why God gave us you

Just to make us break?

I only know you're a miracle

And not some flaw or mistake

As my eyes coat over

With tears I'll never shed

I promise God- and everyone

I can handle what lies ahead

And though it hurts the worst

Pain I may have ever known

I thank God for giving us you

For as long as you're ours to own