Because I Love You – Scholarship Slam

You say,

“We can work through this slump. We can get through anything…

… because I love you …

And you love me!”

As I suck in a cold breath of air,

Lips trembling,

Eyes welling with tears,

I respond,

“Because I love you…

… I have to sever this tight rope …

around our necks …

that has been hurting the both of us …

for months on end”

To which you respond,

“Because I love you…

And we love each other…

We can get through this all! …

‘s only …

A slump!

We’ll look back at this moment,

This fight,

And we’ll laugh!

Because we’ll think …

I can’t believe that was ever a problem!”

As I press the phone into my ear, my heart constricting in my chest, all of my feelings rushing to my throat and threatening to spill over in sobs.

I choke it back.

Because I love you, I ask,

“Is this really the case, though? Do you say you want to spend all of your life with me because you love me…

… or because you don’t know anything else other than me?

… is this really a problem we can work through?

Can we really work through this?

And by this I mean…

Silent car rides home…

… where nothing but anger and tension float between us…

… quiet nights…

… where the hours that lapse…

Are filled with stiff silence…

Where I lift myself up

Out of your arms

And sit at the edge of the bed,

Resting my elbows on my knees,

Huddled over,

Holding back choked sobs

Before I excuse myself to go to the restroom,

Where I sit at the edge of the bathtub and cry,

Dry my eyes,

And then come back,

Crawl into bed,

And pretend as though nothing has happened.

As though everything is alright,

Crawl back into your arms,

Encased in the warmth of your grip,

And yet,

In this moment of extreme closeness,

Feel so distant from you?”

You respond,

“Because I love you…

And you love me! … (Right? You say you love me,

So I assume

You wouldn’t deceive me)

… we can get through anything!

Now that we have communicated our issues,

And we have sat down

And talked this through

Time and time again,

I think that,

I know that,

We can get through this!

Because I love you,

You love me,

And we love each other!

Love conquers all!”

I let what you say simmer in my brain

My heart wants to believe this is true

It aches to fall into this false sense of truth

But as my heart reaches out to you, my mouth asks,

“Love conquers all?

This is what I’ve heard, yes…

… but can love…

Conquer this ocean of space between us?

Can love make you content with who I am?

Can love keep you from wishing I can change…

… from wishing and hoping for me…

To fix..

Myself…

When I don’t need fixing?”

You start to get angry

“I never wanted to come off like that…

I’m willing to wait…

For you to change…

If you ever want to change!

Because I love you!”

I want to believe this but

I know

I see

The disappointment in your eyes

When you come to think that this

“slump”

I am in,

This “way”

That I am

Will not come to pass.

This disappointment in your eyes

Has become as familiar to me as the back of my own hand

It has come to the point

Where

Your disappointment,

Your Anger,

And Your Frustration

Is more familiar to me than the light of excitement in your eyes

When you see me.

You tell me this is true,

To not put words into your mouth,

That I think I know what you want,

But I really don’t

Do you take me for a fool?

Do you think that, after all of these years, I don’t know who you are?

Do you not think that,

After all this time we’ve been together,

I don’t know your wants?

That I don’t know your dreams?

That I don’t know,

Your very heart,

Like the back of my own hand?

So I suck in a breath,

And give my final response,

“Because I love you,

I have to

Leave you”