Balancing Act

I remembered the days

When I was a child

I use to think that the Disney princesses

Were real people

I thought that Jasmine lived in the Middle East

And Ariel in the ocean

And because my family thought it was cute

I became their princess

And because it was my favorite thing

I acted like one too

 

Something every little girl did

 

So, one day

Before I realized what a princess life really was

I heard the hollers and screams of anger and terror

And my parents were divorced

 

I really didn't know what to think about it

Because I was so young, it all happened so fast

For I was just stuck in the middle with my little brothers

 

Days passed, then those evolved into months

And I came to a sudden realization

A thought that appeared in my mind

'This isn't a princess's life.'

Being stuck in the middle of a war against families

I started to question all that I thought I knew

About my life around me

 

I saw no excuse to lie to myself

As far as I was sure

My life was pretty good

I kept telling myself, “No need to be sad

the war will end eventually.”

So it did

 

Things died down, no more war

So I thought the fighting was through with

And I removed those thoughts from my head

Until once again, I finally realized

It wasn't over

 

This was no short war

Papers could not define the end of it

And nor could the angry hollers of my families

 

And to this very day, years later

I am not a fan of Christmas Eve

I know I am not the only kid

Who went through this

Surrounded by confusion

And a blanket of anger and yells

That whole phrase

The whole sticks and stones thing

If only broken bones

Could hurt more than the words and things I have heard

And hearing people getting called this and that

And all the hatred in between

So I kept growing up believing

Something will come about

Something good and joyful

That some way some how

That it would end

That it would not last forever

That one day the sun could peak into this darkness that has enveloped me

That has enclosed me like a tool shed

With no door

So this broken heart of mine

Could string back together

Instead of hanging on that thread of hope

So that I could feel something again

They kept telling me

She's lying, he's lying, they're all lying

This will all end soon, the war will die down

And then I realized again

The war ended a while ago

But that I was fighting

 

With myself

 

I am fourteen years old

Moving into grade nine

Not knowing where he is

Who he is

These feelings so undefined

I was tired of being bombarded with news

Of negative and deteriorating thoughts

Tired of being stuck in the middle of the gossip

I became my own battleground

Where I found myself outnumbered by my own thoughts

Where I could no longer find out

Who I really was

Because with each year
Grew more and more anxiety, more pain

And the worse it got

The more I grew impatient

For an answer

And to this very day

Even after years of what I thought was over

Despite my loving family

I am lost

In place that takes up little space in my mind

When kids would ask me where he is

But I couldn't answer

Because I didn't have an answer

Because no one would answer me

And when my friend's dad birthday had arrived

She asked me for the definition of a father

But the only answer I had

Was a runaway

And that obviously did not work for her

And then came along someone great

Someone to save me from longing for refuge

God had answered my cries

That he's only ever been a hero

 

I

was a broken stem

Placed onto a new family tree

In a version of adoption

But not legally

And not because he no longer wanted me

But because he was no longer visible to my eyes

I was like nine when he walked in officially

A new part in my home

His personality made up of logic and humor

Groomed from loving parents

Who taught him well

A vast hearted man

Who had a place for my brothers and I

Someone who knew what he was doing

Without any previous practice

Maybe not someone I would call dad

But someone who sure was and is doing a great job at it

And I came to realize once again

That he fixed something no first aid kit had supplies for

 

And to this very day

I still yearn to find him

I could never tell you where he is

Or what he does

For in the moment

I would fall

He would never know

And despite my army of loyal friends

They could never help

But that maybe being free

Has less to do with answers

And more with forgiveness

 

And to this very day

Kids are dealing with my same issue

The classic parental split

Where they are caught in the midst of it all

Almost to the break of insanity

An arsenal of angry people

Throwing knives

To see who they can hit down first

Do they make a sound?

No, you know your down when your hit

And it all becomes a record repeat

Over and over again

And you just think

“It will be over.”

And when it is

You only find that you are fighting yourself

It was a big top circus for me

And the order went from

Acrobats and tiger tamers

From clowns to carnies

All of them something we were inside

Our inner circus

Not freaks

Not oddities

The ring leader

Trying to control everyone

The clowns

Trying to cheer the sidelines up

Juggling sadness and anger

I was the balancing act

Trying to juggle people, sadness, anger, rage, happiness, forgiveness

All on that thin little rope

Twisting and turning

The juggling balls going around and around

Like the screams of the ringleader

But at night

While the others slept

I was still balancing

Trying to practice

And yes

I usually most of the time

Always fell

 

 

 

But I want to tell those who know

That all of this balancing

Can be controlled

Of course I am still learning

But there are those who have not attempted yet

Or have found the courage to keep going

Trying to obliterate all the things we thought

What used to be

And if you can't see anything right in this

Get a better mirror

And look close

For a long while

Because there is something inside of you

That kept you going

Despite all the thoughts that told you it was your fault

Because trust me

I once thought it was my fault too

Build that healing cast around your heart

And sign it

“You were all wrong.”

Because maybe they were close to him or her

Maybe they knew what was happening

Why they split up

Maybe you never truly knew why it happened

But you can rule out yourself now

Because now you have to make yourself believe

 

That they were all wrong

That you were wrong

 

You have a voice to talk with

Why else would you have it?

You grew up knowing that things seemed perfect

That you were the little princess or prince

But now you know

What sadness is really all about
What wanting an answer really means

That we are now blooming from a seed of belief

That maybe we can find a way to forgive and let go

That maybe there is hope for a better tomorrow

That maybe life can move one a little brighter now

And if on the way

We fall while balancing

Get back up, because lying there will only start another fight in your mind

Don't let them hurt you

 

Because you know

They have before

 

But our lives will forever always be

The balancing act

And forever and always be

A balancing act

But we have to learn that maybe being free

Has less to do with answers

And more to do with forgiveness

 

~Chloe Aldecoa

 

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