Balancing Act
I remembered the days
When I was a child
I use to think that the Disney princesses
Were real people
I thought that Jasmine lived in the Middle East
And Ariel in the ocean
And because my family thought it was cute
I became their princess
And because it was my favorite thing
I acted like one too
Something every little girl did
So, one day
Before I realized what a princess life really was
I heard the hollers and screams of anger and terror
And my parents were divorced
I really didn't know what to think about it
Because I was so young, it all happened so fast
For I was just stuck in the middle with my little brothers
Days passed, then those evolved into months
And I came to a sudden realization
A thought that appeared in my mind
'This isn't a princess's life.'
Being stuck in the middle of a war against families
I started to question all that I thought I knew
About my life around me
I saw no excuse to lie to myself
As far as I was sure
My life was pretty good
I kept telling myself, “No need to be sad
the war will end eventually.”
So it did
Things died down, no more war
So I thought the fighting was through with
And I removed those thoughts from my head
Until once again, I finally realized
It wasn't over
This was no short war
Papers could not define the end of it
And nor could the angry hollers of my families
And to this very day, years later
I am not a fan of Christmas Eve
I know I am not the only kid
Who went through this
Surrounded by confusion
And a blanket of anger and yells
That whole phrase
The whole sticks and stones thing
If only broken bones
Could hurt more than the words and things I have heard
And hearing people getting called this and that
And all the hatred in between
So I kept growing up believing
Something will come about
Something good and joyful
That some way some how
That it would end
That it would not last forever
That one day the sun could peak into this darkness that has enveloped me
That has enclosed me like a tool shed
With no door
So this broken heart of mine
Could string back together
Instead of hanging on that thread of hope
So that I could feel something again
They kept telling me
She's lying, he's lying, they're all lying
This will all end soon, the war will die down
And then I realized again
The war ended a while ago
But that I was fighting
With myself
I am fourteen years old
Moving into grade nine
Not knowing where he is
Who he is
These feelings so undefined
I was tired of being bombarded with news
Of negative and deteriorating thoughts
Tired of being stuck in the middle of the gossip
I became my own battleground
Where I found myself outnumbered by my own thoughts
Where I could no longer find out
Who I really was
Because with each year
Grew more and more anxiety, more pain
And the worse it got
The more I grew impatient
For an answer
And to this very day
Even after years of what I thought was over
Despite my loving family
I am lost
In place that takes up little space in my mind
When kids would ask me where he is
But I couldn't answer
Because I didn't have an answer
Because no one would answer me
And when my friend's dad birthday had arrived
She asked me for the definition of a father
But the only answer I had
Was a runaway
And that obviously did not work for her
And then came along someone great
Someone to save me from longing for refuge
God had answered my cries
That he's only ever been a hero
I
was a broken stem
Placed onto a new family tree
In a version of adoption
But not legally
And not because he no longer wanted me
But because he was no longer visible to my eyes
I was like nine when he walked in officially
A new part in my home
His personality made up of logic and humor
Groomed from loving parents
Who taught him well
A vast hearted man
Who had a place for my brothers and I
Someone who knew what he was doing
Without any previous practice
Maybe not someone I would call dad
But someone who sure was and is doing a great job at it
And I came to realize once again
That he fixed something no first aid kit had supplies for
And to this very day
I still yearn to find him
I could never tell you where he is
Or what he does
For in the moment
I would fall
He would never know
And despite my army of loyal friends
They could never help
But that maybe being free
Has less to do with answers
And more with forgiveness
And to this very day
Kids are dealing with my same issue
The classic parental split
Where they are caught in the midst of it all
Almost to the break of insanity
An arsenal of angry people
Throwing knives
To see who they can hit down first
Do they make a sound?
No, you know your down when your hit
And it all becomes a record repeat
Over and over again
And you just think
“It will be over.”
And when it is
You only find that you are fighting yourself
It was a big top circus for me
And the order went from
Acrobats and tiger tamers
From clowns to carnies
All of them something we were inside
Our inner circus
Not freaks
Not oddities
The ring leader
Trying to control everyone
The clowns
Trying to cheer the sidelines up
Juggling sadness and anger
I was the balancing act
Trying to juggle people, sadness, anger, rage, happiness, forgiveness
All on that thin little rope
Twisting and turning
The juggling balls going around and around
Like the screams of the ringleader
But at night
While the others slept
I was still balancing
Trying to practice
And yes
I usually most of the time
Always fell
But I want to tell those who know
That all of this balancing
Can be controlled
Of course I am still learning
But there are those who have not attempted yet
Or have found the courage to keep going
Trying to obliterate all the things we thought
What used to be
And if you can't see anything right in this
Get a better mirror
And look close
For a long while
Because there is something inside of you
That kept you going
Despite all the thoughts that told you it was your fault
Because trust me
I once thought it was my fault too
Build that healing cast around your heart
And sign it
“You were all wrong.”
Because maybe they were close to him or her
Maybe they knew what was happening
Why they split up
Maybe you never truly knew why it happened
But you can rule out yourself now
Because now you have to make yourself believe
That they were all wrong
That you were wrong
You have a voice to talk with
Why else would you have it?
You grew up knowing that things seemed perfect
That you were the little princess or prince
But now you know
What sadness is really all about
What wanting an answer really means
That we are now blooming from a seed of belief
That maybe we can find a way to forgive and let go
That maybe there is hope for a better tomorrow
That maybe life can move one a little brighter now
And if on the way
We fall while balancing
Get back up, because lying there will only start another fight in your mind
Don't let them hurt you
Because you know
They have before
But our lives will forever always be
The balancing act
And forever and always be
A balancing act
But we have to learn that maybe being free
Has less to do with answers
And more to do with forgiveness
~Chloe Aldecoa