I struggle with suicidal thoughts
and this is a hard claim
because such an announcement is wrapped up in shame
to speak these words feels like weakness
it feels like I’m pretending at something I’m not
that I’m only really an attention slut
it’s just I never actually
picked up the bullet
or picked up the blade
or picked up the belt
or picked up the bottle
but that doesn’t mean the thoughts aren’t there
and sometimes they’re really convincing

Earlier today I had a breakdown
sometimes I feel so fucking crazy
caught up in my own head
my thoughts drag me frantically
through a maze of irrationality
my emotions tell me that now is horrible
and that tomorrow won’t be any better,
it’s a bad place to be
when it’s three in the afternoon
and you just want to go back to bed
to make the day end

My problem is I don’t have any friends
I mean I do but I don’t
and I wonder if I’m a victim of circumstance
or if I’m as fucked up as I feel
somehow fundamentally unrelatable
a grotesque alien that is barely tolerated,
it’s a bad place to be on Friday evening
21 and alone at your parents house
thinking of all the normal people
and how it’s not hard for them

What hurts is that I actually feel sane
and that’s what drives me to insanity
how could my life be this shitty
and this hard for me
if I was normal?
but fuck
I have it better than so many people
I have a loving family
good grades
some genuine connections
and I live a life of white male privilege
there is so much shit I haven’t seen
and hasn’t been a part of my reality

Let me tell you with conviction
sharing suicidal thoughts is not dereliction
I will tell you openly and without shame:
I struggle with suicidal thoughts
this doesn’t make me weak
this doesn’t make me fake
because the thoughts are real
and anyone has felt them
knows that’s some unfakable shit,
sharing them doesn’t brand you
with a scarlet “S”
they’re not an emotional mark of Cain
suicidal thoughts are actually a practical thing
and sometimes we just need someone who is listening

I promise you
there’ll be some people who read this poem
and they live with a lot worse
maybe they’ve actually
picked up the bullet the blade the belt or the bottle
maybe they’ve attempted but failed
maybe they do share their thoughts
but that just doesn’t heal
they’re my biggest heroes
because it's a bad plase to be
and surviving these thoughts
is a World War of the human experience

So be wise and be safe
but if you struggle with suicidal thoughts
or know someone who does
don’t be afraid to embrace the vulnerability
life’s hard enough
without living these thoughts alone.