Everyone is so obsessed with virginity.  They ask:

Are you still a virgin?

How come?

You're not?

Who'd you lose it to?

When? Where?

How? But I ask back

What does it matter?

They try to hold it back forcefully, a hand over their mouths until the nauseating temptation of the topic cannot be held back anymore

And the provocations and questions burst from the cracks between their lips

The words themselves burn as they spread through the air like black plumes of pressure and tension

suffocating the room of any hope of a pleasantly innocent conversation where the answer is not sweat 

and more sweat

and shifty eyes 

and a pit feeling 

and self-admonishment

21 questions turn from "What'd you want to be when you're older?" to 

"How'd you lose your virginity?" 

What does it matter?

As if my high achievements, colorful ambitions, weird personality, tall sacrifices and an identity so profound that I cannot even conceive what the bottom looks like

cannot even be considered to be looked at without first knowing who I fucked

I am many things

but I AM NOT GOING TO BE A BOX you just check off

and if you must know

I AM NOT A VIRGIN 

I am not a virgin because when I was a kid I did well not because I had to, but because I knew what it meant for my mom to work without sleep 

I am not a virgin because I knew what "divorce" and "infidelity" meant when kids around me were learning their ABCs

I am not a virgin because before I could learn fractions

I had to learn why our rent wasn't enough

why the color of my skin changed whether or not you'd be my friend

why my mom needed me as she almost bled out in my arms. 

I AM NOT A VIRGIN

because my young world was ripped up and ignorance was a fantasy

because I was more afraid for my mom than the monsters under my bed

because a nine year old shouldn't have bags packed under his eyes 

because a nine year old shouldn't have bags packed 

reality was unveiled to me

a bit too early

and a bit too quickly

and a bit too painfully 

as I lay down in resentment 

and my innocence was snatched

and my friends said guys don't hurt the first time 

but I did

So when they ask me if I am still a virgin, I say no

and I had no choice.