anomaly's end

Location

S9A3J9
Canada
52° 47' 26.8908" N, 108° 18' 31.0788" W
i've been staring at
a cold screen, a blank
sheet, an empty bed,
and a split mind.
 
torn down the middle--
i've been . . .
ripped--through--my center
wrenched violently by
cold, cold hands.
 
gasping, i was left DYING
for air that was never there.
i received carbon dioxide,
i received . . . di--i received . . .
what was it that i received--di?
 
i needed to remember
the taint the smoke left in
the air; I NEEDED TO IMPRINT
YOUR ASH-STAINED HANDS
INTO MY MIND.
 
i cannot--will not--must not--please don't
forget the guilty hands that set
fire to my blank sheet body, my paper body,
do not forget the way i have burned.
 
i have been attempting to recall
the childhood i once possessed,
yet--yet, it is no longer mine--
 
i--i am un-a-ttached
 
cannot recall moments replayed,
broken memories repeated,
childhood utterly rended,
 
i have taken this life of mine
and doused it with water primed
to the holiest of acidities.
 
i feel as if i have left various
portions of my life unfinished,
bolded by the embers
still sizzling on the tips
of my tingling fingers.
 
the distinct lack of an
ending reflected in my
scattered words and
abrupt sentences--
 
i am a universe with no
end, a spiraling and ceaseless
anomaly, space without time
or matter or energy.
 
i--am--lack--ing,
 
periodically destroying all
progress i have achieved,
scared of the end,
scared of the sea.
 
ask and you shall not receive,
i am sorry for i am an open
book left on the floor,
pages scattered, ink spattered,
i apologize in crimson letters.
 
it takes me hours to think
through one thought, to
clear my mind of a single
perpetual entity.
 
it is unending, my desire,
its flames lick my skin with
heated mire,
 
I
     AM
                ON
                           FIRE.

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