And It's

The night is constantly outside

even during the day

and it's dark

and the dark is always inside 

the place I try to keep it out of most

and it hurts

And the all too familiar sting of the anguish within the mind of my bleating brain

and it's fucked

And I'm always so goddamn confused because I'm never sure if you know I know you don't feel the same

and it's hell

And I wish I could be there so you didn't feel the need to ingest pills to take the place of something missing

God knows what the hell it is 

or isn't

I do not know

And it's lifeless

And I'm not sure if anything that's said is true or false or temporary

permanence in this unsure void that is my overanalytical mind

and it's shit

I know I am repetetive

and I know I am repetetive

and I know I am so goddamn repetetive

and I know

I know

And it's torture

And I do not want to hurt her


and she always says the same

and the only way she feels she will not hurt me

is by keeping herself away

but the only way 

I want to be

is closer every day

but if I am to never hurt her

I have promised that I'll stay

And we still are still have always be the friends we promised foremostly

And it's blind

And she thinks so much about the fall

and I do not think about falling at all

And she worries about the damage to come

And I underthink 


for once

what cannot be explained

After so fucking long

of thinking


never ever taking in

as true

I have not recently been so sure of almost anything but


And it's damned

my luck

my circumstance

my dictators are on my ass

and meanwhile you still are caught up with the 






who has hurt you so

and you told me to never let you get involved with him again

but what could be the harm in staying friends

but then and then he strikes again

and now you won't speak

not as friends

But then you had a bad night and he came into your life again

And it's terrifying

And the lonely nights don't do me justice and I'm constantly on edge

And I'm never sure enough of anything

to act out all the things I'm feeling

truly feeling

and yet when no one else is there it seems we have something we share but then when other folks are there

Is it me

is it her?

Who does not wish

cannot be sure

cannot enact

the something shared

and is it for the better

or should daily be a thing

that is if

felt is anyone

or anything

And it's so damn sad.

And I love her.

And that sounds so goddamn cliche

and she's heard it before

and it all seems so subject to change

due to anything and everything

they're ever told

or have ever seen

and I don't know

and I can't fucking speak

or write everything

I feel at once or over time

it has no reason 

and no rhyme

and I know there's no rush and we have so much time

but feelings still fully encompass real life

in the now

and real is scary

real is commited

and commitment is not high school

and high school is everybody


and I don't disagree

and she is her and I want to be happy that she wants to be what she wants to be

because I never want to injure

and she needs so badly to be happy

and that's the only thing I ever want

And it's beautiful

And then there's me this selfish little lovestruck boy who is so damn conflicted 

due to feeling what he does and being so damn sure of love

but all the while wanting her to be happier than he ever seemingly will be.

And it's life.

And he talks and talks and talks

in circles circles cirlces

and he can't she can't they can't sleep at night

and everything repeats again

And it's maddening and 
















So much has been explained yet nothing still makes sense

but it does

but it can't

but it should

but it won't 

And it's 





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