Ambiguous Disorientation
The true me is being smothered.
It’s been stuck under an ambiguous mass for some time.
It afflicts me.
I have yet to figure out where I went or when I lost myself.
I’m still here, I still live and breathe and interact, but it’s not me.
I think I wanted to impress them, show them who I was.
I had the confidence, for a while.
But I conformed.
And forgot who I really am.
There are parts that I can grasp, though.
Ways I know that I used to be:
Compassionate. Understanding.
Empathetic. Down-to-earth.
Now my head is filled with my own concerns.
I’m in competition with others.
I don’t build people up, I break them down in my mind.
These thoughts pollute my once clear head.
They’ve blurred the clear sight I used to have within myself.
The most frustrating part is that I know it's still there.
And I know it’s who I want to be again.
But for some reason I can’t get a hold of it.
It’s like all that exists of it is the memory of when it used to flourish in me.
But how do you materialize a memory?
It’s strange, because I’m just barely hanging onto that person.
Like deep down inside of me, she’s been tucked away in darkness
But I can feel a glimpse of her light
So I know she’s still in there somewhere.