I wake up.

Emotionless.

I lay in bed, begging the mattress to swallow me up.

It would be so much easier to just disappear I think.

I realize I won’t and I pull myself together and throw on the first thing I find.

A car screeches to a halt in front of the house.

An angry storm throws itself out and charges towards the house.

A frenzied pounding on the door.

We enter the car and zoom off.

As we merge onto the freeway, traffic comes to a complete stop.

This is your chance, just get out, run! You can do it! 

My body remains frozen,

once the universe realizes I’m not moving, it bids traffic to do so. 

As we arrive and enter the waiting room, no words are said.

I’m left alone to wait for the moment that will alter my life.

I can’t bring myself to distract myself so I think instead.

An hour goes by.

Still waiting.

I look around and see everyone else with their companions.

Together.

As I wait, alone.

Another hour and finally my name is called.

I’m escorted inside into yet another waiting room.

I sit in the only open seat next a women, sobbing.

An hour passes, and the women is still sobbing.

I don’t console her, I’m not sure I can. 

The women is escorted away and I remain, waiting.

Another woman is escorted in, sniffling.

Yet I remain numb. 

So numb.

After two hours of waiting inside at last I am escorted away.

I enter an exam room.

“Strip down and put on the medical gown” a nurse demands.

I have to get naked? 

Of course I do. How could I not realize it?

She enters again and instructs me to lay on the exam table.

“Spread your legs” she says and exits the room.

“Hello” a kind voice whispers. Another nurse.

“I’m here to sedate you” he informs me. 

HE. OH NO. 

A male is going to see me naked? 

My face flushes red. I am mortified. 

He injects me and my veins feel cold, 

and suddenly,

I’m numb. 

So numb. 

I hear Adele wailing “Hello” over the speaker,

A group of people walk into the exam room.

They all examine my vagina,

then something is inserted inside. 

I begin to feel a sucking sensation as if something is being ripped out of me.

Wait, no please stop. I’m supposed to be numb! I think.

Instead a groan escapes my lips. 

“It’s okay” I hear the kind voice say. 

“The cramping is good, it means we’re getting rid of the pregnancy he explains. 

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to suppress the pain. 

I feel something warm on my face and realize they are tears.

Why am I crying? I’m supposed to be numb. 

I feel a tentative hand dab at my tears with a tissue.

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay” he whispers. 

The pain persists,

“I think we’re done here”. 

Everyone exits the room.

I’m left alone. 

A sob escapes from my lips.

I begin to weep . 

I’m not numb. 

I sniffle as an MA enters the room.

“Get up” she barks. 

I’m escorted into a recovery room.

Finally.I’m alone.

…

Two months later

I allow myself to feel.

I am no longer numb.

I feel every emotion,

and then Iet it pass.

I am alone.

I am resilient. 

As more time passes,

I feel happiness,

hopeful,

love,

for myself. 

I've learned to revel in my solitude.  

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