Shadows I see, self loathing, self harming, suicidal thoughts is all I'll ever be.
No one will ever want me, he was right
The monster that came into my room to get me every night
Arrested one day, when I'd finally had enough
But that wasn't the end, don't get me wrong, who would have thought after 16 years of abuse my life would be so tough?
Nightmares, flashbacks, anger issues too
Days at a time in bed, hating myself, hating life, wanting to die
No one knew what was going on inside my mind
I had become a monster myself, no better than him
Verbally hurting those who were just trying to get me to let them in
Admitted to treatment, for the fourth time in my seventeen years, but this time it was different
I wasn't going to stay there for just seven days and seven nights
I was there until further notice, no going home not even once a week, sharing a room with two other girls like me
Barely getting any sleep.
But in this strange place away from my home, all I’ve ever known
I made the choice to get better
I had to work on Tealsa, just me, myself, and I
And sort my issues out before they permanently take over my life
Four months of putting the broken fragments of myself back together, I was out
Though I cannot take all the credit for myself
With the help of a therapist named Janelle, she helped me to dig my way out of my internal hell
I can now say I did it, I got back to me, and the person who I want to be
Although the pieces aren't completely one hundred percent put back together today, I know they will be one day
Through my therapy, and self-reflection
I know I will be better because I simply refuse to live my life any other way
I plan on mutating and morphing my hurt and the things I've been through, into something positive
It will one day have a purpose, a meaning, and help me to help future generations, I know it
My dream job, is to be a therapist not only to change my life but to change other’s lives
To take what I've learned, to help young people to alleviate their pain
Those who spend nights in fear that the person who harmed them will once again will appear
Who use their wrists as a canvas, and a knife as the paint brush, to make themselves feel a little of something, anything
Who want to die, who don't think their lives matter, who don't think they matter
I plan to give them hope, insight, and the will to carry on
To love themselves, and know that one day their battle will be won
Suicide is not the answer, you never know if things will be better if you're gone
This is where so many people's thoughts have gone wrong
Life is a lot of hurt, but you know what else there is?
There's happiness, traveling, new friends, ice cream sundaes, and there is love
When people cannot see past the depression and hopelessness, I will be there to help them rise above
To help them bring them back to themselves, like once, long ago I had to do for myself
I will be there, living proof that the hurt
Does get better.
And nothing can stop them from having a beautiful life, not now, not ever.