There are no words I can put together that could justify you

I could say a thousand times that we have our good days, those happy moments

Those memories that spray a bit of perfume

Light a candle

I can fill the room and dampen the curtains with as much Febreze as I so desire

But the floors and furniture will still be littered with garbage and caked with dirt

Because you don’t know how to hold a broom

And I can’t scrape away the mud on my own

You won’t let me clean on my own

You yell at me and demand me to fix what you say I have caused

But you nail my hands and wrists to the walls like they are a cross

But this isn’t for the good of humanity like I learned Christ did while we sat in church pews

Christ taught about unconditional love and support

But yours comes with terms and conditions as long as iTunes’s

And as a kid I hit “Yes, I agree” immediately without reading them

Because I was desperate to just get to the music

 

Fast forward

I’m on the ground, kicking my feet and wishing I knew how to ask for help

And say how to help me

Falling because of you, but knowing you won’t pick me up kindly

Instead, I let my chest burn cold with the falling feeling

That makes me hands shake against the nails you hammered into them

Until I finally fell so low I hit the ground

And the sound of my bones breaking against the floor from the impact

Was finally enough to catch your attention

And you got mad

Because I had damaged your property

You dragged me by the ankles into a room with no doors or windows

I cannot breathe

The aches of my lungs press against my chest and I started getting tunnel vision

But I see no light at the end of it

I cannot sleep

You placed the promise of it on the table in front of me

But wagged your finger like a greedy puppy’s tail and told me

That I’m too young to be taking sleeping pills

 

You hold me away from myself

Telling me it’s for the best of me

Telling me I don’t have to keep hurting and that I can heal

But then you drive more into my head

You burn fear into my senses and promises of anger into my chest

Not with lighters, but with your eyes

Your words

One would think by the way you act that you had caught me taking drugs

Shooting up happiness in hopes of it lingering for a bit longer

But there are no traces in my bloodstream

You have made me afraid of going anywhere hear my own skin

Not for the good of myself anymore

I was doing that before you had forced my secrets out of me

Now I’m walking on eggshells and hanging on by my fingernails

Unable to hang on after being pushed so suddenly by you

But afraid of falling again and damaging your property

 

So I’ll keep doing what you want me to

Drowning the fumes of the garbage you pile around me with perfume

I’ll do it all for you