all my monsters are in disguise
Location
*this describes in great detail sexual abuse so stop reading now if you can't handle it*
im meeting my childhood monster next month
no one knows he's my monster
no one even knows i have a monster like him
its been a few years since i last saw him
but not a single day has passed when i haven't thought of him
sure I can go all day with not even the slightest hint of him
but as sure as the sun goes down at night he creeps into my head.
all my nightmares involve him
it started when I was 4 and he was 17
before i even started school my childhood, my innocence was taken.
his hand tightly gripped around my neck
the smell of his hand beneath my nose covering my mouth
the smell of brass and sweat fresh on his skin
the way he stroked my hair and the way the smell of it aroused him
the taste of him that was forced inside my mouth
the sound of him moaning for me
the feeling of my clothes being taken off of me.
my most vivid memories are of him.
it was around this time the first time he used me.
he was so nice to me in public when anyone was around.
he changed when he got to be alone with me.
hes my cousin so no one expected him to do anything so horrible
they trusted him to take care of me.
they shouldn't have trusted him. why did they trust him
we were sitting in the living room, i was blowing the bubbles he got me
he was staring at me like he always was
"you like to blow bubbles, huh?"
i smiled big and nodded my head yes so innocently
he got up and took them from me
he grabbed my hand and i stood up
he guided me to the back room of the house
even at that age i had a bad feeling in my stomach
he closed and locked the door behind him
he set the bubbles down on his nightstand next to a clock
he told me to sit on the bed so i did
"what happen?" i asked him i was scared
he smiled and he sat down next to me
he rested his hand on my knee
"nothing i just wanted to see you closer without someone seeing us"
he made me stand up in front of him facing him
"i don't want to hurt you so don't say a word, not now, not ever, not to anyone"
tears were already filling up my eyes
he put one hand on the side of my face
"no don't cry"
he leaned into me and kissed me on my lips
"but--"
he cut me off by putting his index finger over my lips
"shhh it's okay"
he pulled up my shirt by this time tears were rolling down my face
he pulled me closer to him and started kissing my chest
his two hands could wrap around my whole body since i was so little
his hands made their way down to my shorts that he unbuttoned
he pulled them down along with my underwear
they got caught on my velcro sandals
he picked me up and sat me on his lap as he took my shoes off
he picked me up to lay me down on his unmade bed
he laid beside me
the entire time tears were just flowing down the sides of my face filling up my ears
"open your mouth"
i was too terrified to move. he pinched my jaws which resulted in my mouth opening
he stook his index finger in my mouth
i shut my eyes
he motioned his finger in and out in and out till it was covered with my saliva
he pushed my legs open and his hand made its way between my legs
he rubbed his finger over my vagina and made his way lower till he found an opening
he slowly forced his finger inside
"you're so tight, it's cute"
at the time i thought he was talking about my eyes being closed shut
he started slow moving his finger in and out but he steadily got a little faster
my eyes still shut "it hurts. please stop. you're hurting me"
i opened my eyes when he pulled his finger out completely
"im sorry. let me kiss it to make it better"
he got up and positioned himself to where his head was right in front of my vagina
he leaned in closer and smelled me
"you smell so good"
i started sobbing
he licked from bottom of my opening to the top of my clit
he reached for my hand and put on top of his head
"run your fingers through my hair"
i didn't do as i was told. he bit me
i let out a shriek
"now run your fingers through my hair like im your dog"
i didnt want ti get bit again so i did what he told me to do
he was licking me up and down so fast
one of the reasons ive kept this in so long is because i got wet
and after a while his licking felt good.
he stopped licking me and he stuck his tongue inside me
he pushed it in and out
i pulled his hair to get him off but it didn't work
"oh yes. pull my hair again. i like it"
he grabbed both of my thighs and held them open
he stopped pushing his tongue inside me
he sucked all his saliva and kept sucking
i cried out for him to stop
he started licking again, faster this time
it got to a point where it hurt so bad that it almost felt good
i pulled his hair harder but he liked it
"please please it hurts too much please stop"
he actually stopped and got on all fours on top of me
"it felt good, huh? that last part"
"it hurt the most"
"you'll grow to like it"
he kissed my lips again
they were still wet from the inside of my vagina
he picked a towel up from the chair beside his desk
i was still laying down, shaking
he walked over to me and wiped me dry
"get up"
i crawled off the bed and stood in the center of his room
naked, violated, and ashamed
he picked up my hello kitty underwear and sat on the edge of his bed
"come here"
i was just a few steps from him and I got closer to him
he put my underwear closer to the ground next to my feet so i could put them on
i put both my hands on his shoulders for balance
he grabbed my shorts and helped me put the on
he grabbed shirt but just sat there
"no one can know we did this cause you'll get in trouble"
i was almost emptied of all my tears but some still rolled down my cheeks
he wiped my tears and kissed my forehead
"no one can know, okay?"
i nodded yes and sobbed quietly
"good girl"
he squeezed my stomach
"up"
talking about putting my arms up
he slid my shirt on me
when he gestured a hug I knew it wouldn't be the last time.
the next few times happened almost exactly the same
till he wanted to do more and more
a few months after the first time was the first time he made me got on my knees
afew months after that he put his penis in me after i got up from being on my knees
a year after that, he introduced one of his friends to me
a few short months after that two more friends were introduced
by the time i was ten, i was with 8 different men
sometimes two or three at the same time
it stopped two years later when he moved up north with his moms and sister.
we went to visit them when he had a baby with his girlfriend
i was and still am terrified for that little girl.
he only did it three times in those two weeks we were up there.
that was the last time i saw him before he went to jail for something else
im 17 now and his daughter is 6, his son 4.
he's out of jail since May and my family is going up there next month
they think he's innocent of what he went to jail for.
im not so sure.
they don't know him like i do..