I stand on the bank on the other side

And look back to where I started

Before I crossed the raging currents

I feel a great sense of relief

The flailing in the water,

The threat of water closing above my head

The water pushing me further and further away

That’s all behind me now

It feels silly to have worried about drowning, now

I am on the bank

All is solved and well and fine

I didn’t get fished out of the water a corpse

I’ve crossed every river I’ve faced

Yet

When the relief fades

Fear fills the void

I remember when the water was shallow

Would come up to my knees now

And my chest back then

It was only wading

And when I got tired

I’d be plucked out of the water,

Clothes dripping onto my savior,

And carried across.

 

The water only got deeper,

More violent

Roaring in my ears

And I had to learn to tread

Then swim

I was too heavy to be carried across anymore

People stand at the sidelines when I cross now

At the starting bank and at the end

They cheer me on but

I don’t want to be cheered on

I want a lifejacket, a lifesaver, a lifeguard

Why won’t anyone come into the water with me?

A second voice asks,

Why can’t their encouragement be enough?
Why would you ask them to drown with you?

 

The fear pulses in my chest

Moves through my arteries and veins like vicious, burning blood

Not for the rivers I have crossed

But for the rivers I may yet drown in

They have only gotten deeper,

Some say this is the deepest, most violent they can get

But I’ve been told that many times

In the moment,

When the currents come above my head

When panic is the only thing forcing my muscles to move

When my throat fills with acrid water

I think this is the end

But I pull myself onto that gasping bank

And find myself as foolish as ever,

And more tired than I have ever been.