3 Reasons to Disappear

Some may call it an act of selfishness. Some may see it as an act of consideration,

But I am neither of those things. 

I am a coward that has enough fear bottled inside that I'm surprised I'm not afraid of my own shadow

One: the friends who left me. 

One after another, they gave in to the voices in their head and decided to learn to make nooses, DIY guns, or anything to numb the guilt they held. 

Little did they know that souls can be bounded together so when they decided to end it all, it leaves a slash on another.

And another. And another. Until a few friends and I were all that was left.

We considered ourselves to be the survivors, but God had different, cruel plans.

To the last remaining survivors, they decided to make their bodies weak, never immune, as cancer spread like wildfire

And I was the last survivor. 

And oh, how I wish to see them all again 

Two: my mistakes.

I've made more mistakes in so little time that people would think that I've lived forever. 

From wishing for redos, illegal crimes, and things I've wish I've done

They locked themselves into me; prisoners counting the days for a release that will never come.

If I disappeared, they will all wither away into dust and people will no longer know me for the things I've done wrong

But rather how good of a person I used to be. 

Three: Hopelessness.

The feeling that nothing will ever change and the misery will always be there.

A shitty home, a shitty family, a shitty past that will always linger with you because things like that just don't go away.

People will say that I'm living it up, they will say that I'm spoiled, that I get everything that I want

But I never have.

I wanted my friends to stay.

I wanted to do things right.

I wanted to actually have a good relationship with my blood.

But even as I change, even as I grow older, become more mature, nothing else does.

My words means almost nothing to the people that matter to me 

And I'm invisible until I make a mistake.

And here I am laying on a bed, prying my feelings out on a poem, venting my heart to an endless anonymous world realizing that-

Hopelessness is the scariest thing of all. 

Of all things. Death. Isolation. Threats. They don't scare me. 

Nothingness and hopelessness fall in the same category for me. 

And I'll do anything to stay away from it. 

 

And those are my 3 reasons to disappear.