For 2 years and 6 months, it seemed to me i had a healthy, loving relationship.

Almost three years is a long time, but quicker than i wanted, i found out i was wrong. 

After everything we had been through together, it was as if she threw it all away, and blamed me for all it.

Perhaps it wasn’t that any of us threw it away

Perhaps it was just that she was always too focused on herself 

While i was always focused too much on her, instead of myself.

Now, that’s not an excuse to everything she put me through, maybe it’s a sense of false hope. 

For 2 years and 6 months, i was constantly blinded by major red flags, and major emotional abuse.

After almost every promise was broken

And after my heart was too,

I decided to take a step back and try to focus on myself, which is something i had never done in the relationship. 

See, taking steps back to focus on yourself is never easy.  Yesterday, i had a panic attack on the floor of my shower for hours asking myself “why” over and over again until i had the strength to pick myself back up, And today, i put all your things in a box and taped it shut, along with every broken promise and every “i love you.” not reciprocated. I’m trying to be able to focus on myself, as something she did so well.  “time is your best friend”, everyone tells me And i have a hope that it will eventually become my best friend, instead of her. For 2 years and 6 months, i was led on by constant lies, and constant pain, little heartbreaks here and there, and words that didn’t have any meaning at all.  That is not a healthy relationship to have. But of course, i was in love with her.  And at the time, i was willing to put that all aside, and push it away, just to be with her.  At the time, i was willing to change myself, to be with her. A healthy relationship consists of trust. We never really had that.  From me always doubting myself when she’d talk about other girls To when she kissed her,  There wasn’t ever full 100% trust. A healthy relationship has love Now, we had love, god we did But it was the controlling type.. which leads to the next point  A healthy relationship is not controlling I remember nights she’d beg me not to hang out with my friends, just so she could have me all to herself.  Even if hanging with my friends would make me happy Even if being locked up in my room all night would make me unhappy  She would always beg me, forcing me to give in Losing her, i felt i lost a piece of me But lately, i’ve been feeling like i lost that piece a long time ago. Though this painful journey is never ending, this pain will be useful. I now know the signs of an unhealthy relationship, and am now able to tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one And never again, will i put myself through the things i’ve went through Because, although she broke my heart I chose to run back Which led me to break my own heart  Over, and over, and over Until now.