Dear Daddy,

Where have you been?
It's been 13 years,
but my skin still crawls
with imprints of your fingertips.
The black bruises on my toddler legs
still invisibly ache with pain.
The blood splattered floor
is still scarred in my mind.
The welts from your hate filled belt
still sting like acid.
That knife... oh that knife
still makes me tremble in fear.
The agony of your drug use
still dwindles in my heart.

Where were you then?
It's been 13 years,
but I still cry in my sleep.
I wonder why the devil's crank
was more important than your baby girl.
I wonder why all those women
were more important than my mom.
I wonder why you didn't come back
even though you promised you would.
I wonder why I wasn't good enough
for you to be my dad.
I wonder why you didn't change
...wouldn't change for ME.

So how do you live?
It's been 13 years,
but I don't know how your ghosts
don't torture you at night.
I don't know how my desperate screams
don't deafen you with sorrow.
I don't know how your needle scars
don't fill you fill disgust.
I don't know how my mom's blood
doesn't blind you with regret.
I don't know how your choice of meth
doesn't eat you from the inside.
I don't know how you have a little girl,
but don't even know her face.

But I'm not little anymore.
It's been 13 years,
but I'm flourishing without you.
My heart is full of family
who support my every move.
My heart sings with friends
who make me feel alive.
My heart opens for him
who loves me with no boundaries.
My heart pulses with faith
that gives me strength to move on.
My heart is capable of joy
even though you tried to strip it.

So thank you.
It's been 13 years,
but because of you I'm strong.
I know how to persevere,
because you depleted me.
I know how to value life,
because you tried to take mine.
I know how to love,
because you never gave it.  
I know how to succeed,
because you showed me failure.
I know how to forgive,
because you broke your promises.

So this is it.
It's been 13 years,
but I am moving on.