1/10

i want to kiss you

but i have a thousand reasons why

i stop at a hug

sometimes i just want to say “fuck it”

but if i kiss you

that would change everything

 

to kiss you would be to lose

the petals from an already thorny rose

and to be left

with nothing but decay

 

is there really anything to lose?

 

i want to kiss you

but i want to kiss the idea of you,

not the you that’s ugly,

not the you that would never love me,

not the you who will never know

just how deeply i loved you

 

you may love me

but you will never love me enough

to try

 

yet i pine for you

i’ve always pined for you

 

but even in my dreams i wake up

right as our lips touch

so that i can feel the spark

while never being burnt by the flame

 

2/10

inconsistency

in my inconsistency:

paradoxical

 

3/10

(speaking in verses)

(1) ”anxiety is love’s greatest killer”

(2) ”you only lose what you cling to”

(3) “tis better to have loved and lost: than never to have loved at all”

 

4/10

[string theory]

i try to write this collection of poems

(10 of them)

and inside i wonder if i want them all to connect

connect the dots and in between the lines

so as to make sense

it then becomes a question of whether i want there to be

a consistent string threading all of them

i think of the knots

you - (the ambiguous) she - them - me

tied around my ankles

and my wrists

a metaphorical straitjacket

and wonder if i will be my reason for suffocating

 

5/10 ???

 

6/10

the year is ending

and all i can think about

is how sometimes

i just need people to tell me that they fucking love me

and that their lives wouldn’t be the same without me

that my absence would be greatly felt

that I mean a lot to them

and that they never want to lose me

 

7/10

today might have been the first time you said “i love you” to me

granted, it was a “love ya” and you struggled to get it past your lips

after the word “love” your voice lowered, as though you were unsure

but you said it

and you didn’t have to

you said it

and i didn’t say it first

you said it

as i fumed silently, resolved to make this the year i forget you

forget all of the moments, the weight, the spite

(you’re my soft spot. makes sense that your cruelty hurts the most)

when you said “love ya”

i had just wished you a happy new year

with a heavy sigh

knowing this year will be the year that we drift

if not split, or tear

when you said it

i was almost at the exit

and i couldn’t make sense of the look in your eyes,

something like expectation,

something like vindication,

and i smiled at you sadly and left the train

funny

how after all of this time

all of this deliberation

over how to tell you

"i love you"

that when you finally did

i couldn’t even say it back

 

8/10

ecstasy

with you

is pure euphoria

it’s us last fall

springing

- the calm before the storm

ecstasy

with you

feels like honesty

and our hands touching

husky voices and

my head stealing a second

on your shoulder

i would never come down

yet

ecstasy

is no stranger

to transience

 

for ecstasy

with you

is like everything else

with you:

 

fleeting

 

9/10

(here’s a haiku for you)

i love you so much

it makes me sick. i never

fucking wanted this.

 

10/10

"when the elephant in the room explodes"

when the elephant in the room explodes

i stop eating so that my insides do not become flammable,

my organs collatoral damage

when the elephant in the room explodes

i block your number and your name and any chance of us ever working out

i was never going to stick around

but you were never here to stay

when the elephant in the room exploded

your right hand was at my throat and your left was holding hers

i sink

just thinking about it

about how deeply i fell

into your ocean

how fast i was consumed by your fire

i almost lost myself to the blaze

when the elephant in the room explodes

i stain the walls

red

like your name

like rejection, like shame

like the love that had to force its way out of my body through blood and tears and word vomit

when the elephant in the room explodes

i forget your name

call you danger

call you disappointment

call you the one that got away

"we" becomes "i" once more

and i speak only for myself

when the elephant in the room explodes

i try to remember who i was before you

i try to remember what it was like to want and not need

i try to remember what it was like to hold and not choke

i try to remember what it was like to breathe before you took my breath away

i try to remember that our fall was never mine

i never meant to fall

in love

only to rise in it

i never meant to love you

at all

when the elephant in the room explodes

i try to forget your eyes

i try to forget that my love for you was unconditional,

that your love for me was circumstantial

that it was all a matter of convenience

when the elephant in the room explodes

i am left with nothing but pieces

you the broken glass and my hands bloody from trying to hold you, me, us together

when the elephant in the room explodes

i meditate in the stillness of the aftermath

i gather what i have left, pick up the pieces,

give them one last kiss

and feed them to the flames