Dear Beauty,

 

I wish I would have known

I wish I would have known

That you are just a shapeshifter that turns into the nightmare shown

In a little girl’s head

A nightmare of a girl crying to the point where she could not breathe the suffocating air around her

She could not look at the face that would silently mock her in the mirror

But everyone says that it’s all just a bad dream

But it isn’t just a dream

No matter how much I try

I can never wake up

Wake up from the horrors of the girl on the other end of the mirror

The girl on the other side of the world

Sleep paralysis forcing my melancholic eyes closed for as long it possibly can

Until they give out like a lit candle manipulated by the brutal wind that engulfs it

and bursts

Bursts into hundreds of thousands of shriveled petals

Petals from a single flower that never had the chance to bloom

But instead died in the eternal pit of doom

It is as if my life is just a stupid game

Where I constantly try to catch the coins of approval

That only ever lead to the loss of my true dignity and the gain of eternal shame

I’m running around in an infinite figure eight

Where destiny loves to creepily watch and laugh at the times I fall

The times I hit a wall that for some reason I am never able to see

And I lie to myself

Trying to give myself that sweet assurance I so desperately need

Telling myself that it doesn’t matter

It doesn’t matter if for your whole life you get chopped up into bits and pieces

And constantly served on the same cold black platter

Where I am extremely vulnerable, extremely naked, extremely exposed

But most of all:

Extremely hungry

Hungry for an ounce of attention

An ounce of recognition

Where I can finally feel beautiful

Even if it’s just another deceitful lie that was nothing but unfruitful

And it’s funny how I’m the one hungry and yet the one being eaten

Eaten up by fate itself

Fate in the flesh of a man

Chewing up and spitting out every weakened bone in my body

Fate dominating the mind with the internal lack of stability

That locked away my forever dying abilities

I never ever told myself “I love you”

Because I knew that if I did

It would not be true

The power of my mind that was excessively autocratic

Took me away from any self-confidence that I once had

Or any happiness I had that made me a fanatic

My self-appreciation was now only a grain of sand in a desert of endless grains

And a drop of rain in a rainforest of endless rain

You is love and you are hope and you are everything I could ever wish for

And more

But isn’t that just too good to be true

The love and the hope is just the coverup

The surreal

The unreal

The ideal fantasy of it all

Behind the luxurious white wall is you

You in your true dark form:

An unstoppable store

 

Cordially yours, Devanna